There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
