I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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