I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
