Im at strip club and am horny
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
