I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She announced her abortion via fbk
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
