It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
