he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize