you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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