i would punch a child for taco bell
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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