Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
