Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
All the doctor said was why
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
