Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
