next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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