this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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