he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
