It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
