just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
