i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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