More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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