I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
