Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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