I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
