look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
