So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
