You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
