to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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