My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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