Got a toothbrush?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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