Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
