Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I could make wine with my vomit
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
