I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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