70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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