Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
