The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize