You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
