He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
