I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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