Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
