WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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