I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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