I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Randomize
