i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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