He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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