Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize