I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
