some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
