I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
