I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize