Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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