The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
