My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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