I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
