the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
