boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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