I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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