I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
