The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
