I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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